7. Poet laureate manipulates beer belly to look like kangaroo pouch
6. Live national telecast of drunken Qantas koala set loose in convenience store
5. Postage stamp issued honoring "Now that's a knife" scene in "Crocidile Dundee"
4. Cultural Minister shotguns 6-pack of Fosters while singing "Waltzing Matilda"
3. Schoolchildren given souvenir mugs of 3.2 beer
2. Nuclear missiles fired at Antarctica as climax of outdoor beer-a-thon
1. Bee Gees released naked in Outback; hunted for sport
Campbell's Top 10 Least Popular Soups - January 19, 1988
10. Cream of Gristle
9. Tomato Garagiola
8. Old-fashioned Grease & Weasel
7. Mink Bisque
6. Turkey with Platformate
5. Tap Water & Lawn Trimmings
4. Turkish Prison Surprise
3. Bryant Gumbo
2. Sideburns 'n' Barley
1. Manhattan-style Windex & Shrimp
Top 10 Questions Science Cannot Answer - January 20, 1988
10. Which one's Kate and which one's Allie?
9. How did Ed McMahon get my home address?
8. How can guys on the street sell real Rolexes for $10?
7. Why don't the laws of physics inhibit the expansion of Paul Prudhomme?
6. How can wrestling refs miss so many illegal holds?
5. How could the IRS be so dense about my "church"?
4. Why do men achieve orgasm in a second while women never have them?
3. Why, if Mr. Ed could talk, he never complained about having to stand in straw soaked with his own urine?
2. How can 10 short items take an hour to read?
1. What exactly was Jimmy the Greek bred for?
Top 10 Least Popular Attractions at Disney World - January 21, 1988
10. The Raw Sewage Flume
9. Oprah Mountain
8. Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper
7. Parade of Short Actors in Stifling Animal Suits
6. Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room
5. Muggyland
4. Hall of Vice Presidents
3. Walt's Walk-in Freezer and Crypt
2. Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp
1. Peter Pan's All-male Cinema
Top 10 Excuses by the Denver Broncos - February 2, 1988
10. Pregame shoe mix-up with rockettes
9. Depressing halftime pep-talk by Larry Holmes
8. Wanted to keep uniforms clean for postgame photo
7. Weak with laughter from humorous banners in stands
6. Show-off John Elway called plays in French
5. Secure enough in our manhood to play gently
4. Worried sick about this George Bush/Dan Rather tiff
3. Entire team giddy with anticipation of "Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special" on NBC, Thursday, Feb. 4, 9:30 Eastern, 8:30 Central
2. Wanted to beat the traffic
1. Coach's ill-chosen battle cry of "Let's win one for the late Roy Cohn!"
Top 10 Signs that Dan Rather is Goofy - February 3, 1988
10. Took swing at Hamburglar statue at New Haven McDonalds; made children cry
9. Marketing Dan Rather's Own Original Invisible Salad Dressing
8. Thinks the miniseries "Elvis & Me" is about Elvis & him
7. Likes to sit alone in office in empty box, humming to self, claiming he's "on assignment"
6. Demands colleagues address him as "Debbie"
5. Obsessed with temperature in studio
4. Tells some friends he really loves Bartles; others he really loves Jaymes
3. He's not giddy with anticipation of "Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special" on NBC, Thursday, Feb. 4, 9:30 Eastern, 8:30 Central
2. He's friends with Andy Rooney
1. Now signs off each broadcast "I'll paint any car any color for $99.95"
Top 10 Reasons We've been on the air for 10 years Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special - February 4, 1988
10. There's nothing else on
9. Watching me makes viewers feel good about their own haircuts
8. America has enjoyed watching Opie grow up on the show
7. Program costs less to produce than a pitcher of Kool-Aid
6. Many viewers believe Tom Snyder will return in mid-broadcast and mop the floor with me
5. Youngsters think Paul Schaffer is a puppet
4. My friendship with Frank Sinatra
3. People love Vanna
2. The same reason people slow down for a car wreck
1. I love people, and I guess it shows
Top 10 Things Our Receptions Say Every Day - February 5, 1988
10. "No, Tom Snyder is not here."
9. "You're a bunch of guys in a college dorm? Let me give you Dave's home number."
8. "Hello. Bill Wendell's Amway Headquarters."
7. "Thank you Mr. President, but no one here played in the Super Bowl."
6. "If you wish to sue Mr. Letterman, I can give you the 800 number."
5. "Nice language, Mr. Gumbel!
4. "I'm sorry. We're all out of transcripts of the bed-wetters show."
3. "No, I only lead the band during the show. I'm on the phones during the day."
2. Oh yeah? Well, he probably thinks you're an unfunny jerk too!"
1. Yes, Mr. Donahue, Marlo's up here. But she doesn't want to talk to you."
God's Top 10 Pet Peeves - February 9, 1988
10. People who mumble when they pray
9. I've got to hear all of Andy Rooney's thoughts
8. Just can't seem to get California to fall in the ocean
7. People at the table who open their eyes and size up the pot roast during grace
6. Being everywhere at once, I have to sit through the Tony Awards
5. The way they fire veejays before you really get to know them
4. Cosby acts so "stuck-up" lately
3. That Nissan ad with the obnoxious actors pretending to be auto engineers
2. Still getting flak for letting in Jim Morrison
1. Pat Robertson
Top 10 Ways to Perk Up the Bush Campaign - February 11, 1988
10. Star in aminmated commercial with dancing raisins.
9. Spread rumor he killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
8. Weep openly at Doobie Brothers reunion concert.
7. Get old CIA buddies to lob nerve gas canisters into Pete Dupont's headquarters.
6. Let reporters find him naked in stalled car with Nina Blackwood.
5. Wear a cast on arm; claim he got it saving Sinatra's life.
4. Deliver speeches in a squeaky voice.*
3. Release doctored photo that makes it look like he's met President Reagan.
2. Give God $10 million to call Pat Robertson home.
1. Show up at Dan Rather's house swingin pool cue and shouting "Here's you frequency, Kenneth!"
* Already does this.
Cornella Guest's Top 10 Things She Likes about Sylvester Stallone - February 16, 1988
10. Can squeeze words "I love you" into a single belch.
9. I can feel free to quote in original Latin and Greek.
8. He's so cute when he tries to pronounce "debutante."
7. Easy to remember the endings to his movies.
6. The way his eyes lit up when I explained how Nestle's Quik works.
5. Makes my shallow Eurotrash friends feel at home.
4. He's the first man to literally drool over me.
3. He always says "May I?" before he marks a room with his scent.
2. Three more months and I've got grounds for a palimony suit.
1. His stupid heavy-lidded gaze puts me at ease.
Top 10 Reasons the U.S. Has Won Only One Stinking Bronze Medal - February 17, 1988
10. Jamacian bobsled team tougher than we thought.
9. Thought you could rent skates there.
8. Distracted by fabulous shopping in Olympic Village.
7. Too much emphasis put on written portion of competition.
6. Majority of team mistakenly went to Calcutta -- where they're kicking butt!
5. Distracted by Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford making out in the press box.
4. Hope to get high-paying "Agony of Defeat" spot on Wide World of Sports.
3. Ice dancers can't concentrate with dashing Mounties around.
2. Who cares? The real Olympics are Sept. 16 through Oct. 7 right here on NBC.
1. Uniforms are just so itchy.
Dave's Top 10 Election Tips - February 18, 1988
10. Practice voting by flicking light switch on and off.
9. Always find out how a candidate stands on Sunday beer sales.
8. If you repeat the name "Dukakis" 100 times out loud, it starts to sound real funny.
7. We want a president who stands up to Iran or Iraq or whoever has the bearded guy.
6. As a gag, close curtain in booth and shout "Hey who used all the hot water?"
5. Voting is important, but nobody would blame you if you stayed home to watch "Hardbodies" on cable again.
4. If a station preempts wrestling -- call and complain.
3. Introduce yourself in bars as Albert Gore. Who would know?
2. President Stallone: it won't happen unless we make it happen.
1. Remember: your vote counts as much as people who know who the candidates are.
Top 10 Cartoon Characters or Organized Crime Figures* - Some Repeat
10. Felix the Cat
9. Popeye the Sailor
8. Jimmy the Weasel
7. Matty the Horse
6. Rocky the Flying Squirrel
5. Dominic the After Dinner Mint
4. Scooby-Doo the Butcher
3. Grant the Chairman
2. Vito the Cartoon Chipmunk
1. Huey, Dewey, and Louie, Gli Anatroccoli Della Morte, the Ducklings of Death
* The characters in this Top 10 List do not represent any ethnic group and it would be erroneous and unfair to suggest they do. The majority of cartoon characters and Italian-Americans are hardworking, law-abiding citizens and a credit to our nation.
Top 10 Reasons Why Dave Should Have Been Named the US Magazine "Entertainer of the Year"* - February 23, 1988
10. My six-octave range
9. I design all my own costumes
8. Selleck's goons intimidated my supporters in key midwestern states
7. I did very well on the written part of the competition
6. Remember "Lassiter"?
5. I would use power of title to restore peace in Mideast
4. I spent over 20 grand on cheekbone implants
3. Selleck is only about 5' 1"
2. These readers' polls are turning into nothing but popularity contests
1. Damn it, I deserve something! Don't I?
* Tom Selleck was selected.
Top 10 Ways the Show Would Be Different If It Were on Radio - February 25, 1988
10. Could wear cheaper hairpiece.
9. Instead of endlessly repeating "It's hot in here" I could endlessly repeat "Turn your radio down."
8. Guests could sit on my lap.
7. Could get laughs by using cheap sound effects instead of actual jokes.*
6. Could send out my autograph on picture of Pierce Brosnan.
5. Wouldn't have to be here at 6 a.m. every day for application of prosthetic chin.
4. Enjoying show in moving car would be safer.
3. Teri Garr would be on a lot.*
2. Could probably say "Bite me."
1. Love songs, nothing but love songs.
* Do this anyway
Top 10 Problems of Anthony Kennedy Being the New Guy on the Supreme Court - February 26, 1988
10. Have to rent robe until custom-tailored one comes in.
9. Stuck with worst equipment in Supreme Court weight room.
8. Have to go to liquor store on Fridays to cash everybody's paycheck.
7. Sandra Day O'Connor calling your legal opinions "cute."
6. Can't get high with Judge Ginsburg anymore.
5. Only get to write opinions for fender-benders and complaints about the CBS Record Club.
4. Have to sell Supreme Court albums at table in lobby during intermission.
3. Last one to see Hustler magazine left over from Falwell case.
2. Can't put off reading the Constitution any longer.
1. Nobody takes you seriously when you sentence a guy to death by electrocution.
Top 10 Unpleasant Things to Hear on an Elevator - March 1, 1988
10. Does this look infected to you?
9. Do you know these pants are reversible?
8. Hold the door! Willard's coming!
7. The acoustics in this elevator are perfect for yodeling.
6. Sorry about my finger. I was aiming for a button.
5. Would you do a number for us, Miss Channing?
4. We're both going to the 14th floor. How about a hug?
3. I'm not just a Jehovahs Witness -- I also sell insurance.
2. Does this smell like root beer to you?
1. Just ignore Duke. We're going to have him fixed soon.
Top 10 Good Things about General Noriega - March 2, 1988
10. Always says "Please pass the kneecap drill."
9. Generous frequent-flyer program on all drug-smuggling flights.
8. Offers comfort and reassurance to guilt-ridden riflemen in firing squads.
7. Sometimes gets misty listening to Julio Iglesias records.
6. His homemade Rice Krispie squares are the hit of every brutal interrogation session.
5. Thrifty habits have allowed him to put away several billion on modest soldier's salary.
4. Muffles screams of torture victims after 11 p.m.
3. Has world's largest collection of porcelain mice.
2. Never schedules public executions during Cosby show.
1. Gives young people who aspire to be blood-drunk lunatics someone to look up to.
Michael Jackson's Top 10 Activities While in New York - March 3, 1988
10. Go to Museum of Natural History, try to purchase remains of tyrannosaurus.
9. Buy Broadway cast of "Cats" for backyard zoo.
8. Have slap fight with Greta Garbo.
7. Pick up an "I Love New York" mug for Tito.
6. Order more lingerie for Bubbles.
5. Meet Brooke Shileds; get legs waxed together.
4. Appear at comedy clubs with Emmanuel Lewis posing as Willie Tyler and Lester.
3. Knock back shots and beers with ironworker pals in Jersey City.
2. Golf! Golf! Golf!
1. Rap with street gangs like ones in video; get crap beat of out him.
Top 10 Reasons Why Dave is Taking Next Week Off - March 4, 1988
10. City Council ruling that this time I have to clean up my yard.
9. Told Jimmy Swaggart I'd guest-host for week.
8. I'm just plain lazy.
7. Want to use up everything in kitchen and bathroom cabinets before expiration dates.
6. CBS is putting "Adderly" up against us. Why even try to compete?
5. Joined Hunt brothers in unsuccessful attempt to corner world's fudge market.
4. Rooted around campground garbage in giant raccoon suit.
3. Used Vernon's influence to join Tennessee National Guard.
2. Taking care of business.
1. On-set tutor to Keshia Knight Pulliam on "The Cosby Show."
Top 10 Ways To Make a G.E. Executive Very Angry - September 16, 1988
10. Play "keep-away" with his company hat.
9. Bring in Sylvania bulbs from home.
8. Use plenty of two-syllable words in conversation.
7. Tell him there is no Reddy Kilowatt.
6. Ask him not to yell "Weeeeee" when riding the elevator.
5. Clip out article from USA Today on "America's love affair with candles."
4. Ask if G.E.'s guided missiles come in "avocado" or "harvest gold."
3. Use his "lucky pencil" without permission.
2. Ask him what the letters G.E. stand for.
1. Tell him you can't actually mate with cartoon characters.
Top 9* Good Things About Steroids - October 4, 1988
9. They don't leave your breath all mediciney.
8. Prevent Dan Rather's voice from drifting into soprano range.
7. Keeps me from having that I-don't-fit-in feeling with my Bulgarian weightlifting pals.
6. We'll all need them to bulk up when the giant ants arrive.
5. Gives me the build I need for today's revealing fashions.
4. Great for community theater groups putting on Ibsen's "The Incredible Hulk."
3. They're scrumpdillyumptious!
2. Lets me replace lame Dan Quayle jokes with lame steroid jokes for a few nights.
1. Explains Bea Arthur.
* Only 9 to help NBC save money because they only made a measly $80 million on the Summer Olympics.
Top 9 Ways Dan Quayle Prepared for the Debate - October 5, 1988
9. Underwent therapy to kick habit of licking hands when nervous.
8. Read a newspaper.
7. Tried to get copy of questions from frat brothers.
6. Practiced saying "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" as fast as he could.
5. Refrained from having sex with lobbyists for 48 hours beforehand.
4. Put on eyeglasses and mortarboard to look smart.
3. Trained rats to swarm over Brokaw on cue.
2. Lots of Binaca.
1. Wrote on hand: "I'm Republican. He's Democrat."
Top 10 Things Dave is Grateful to Johnny Carson For (The Tonight Show's Anniversary Special) - October 6, 1988
10. Gave me the name of a really good urologist.
9. By resurfacing his tennis court I've learned a new trade.
8. Once saved my life with Heimlich maneuver in Carl's Jr.
7. Stood by me when I was defrocked by Assemblies of God.
6. For pioneering the three-day work week.
5. One time after dinner sang special version of "Misty" for me. (That's Johnny Mathis)
4. Turned me on to Amway.
3. Being a good sport about my upcoming marriage to his ex-wife Joanna.
2. Helped me get my talk show license.
1. Used influence to get me into Indiana National Guard.
Top 9 Things Overheard in Omaha at the Vice Presidential Debate - October 6, 1988
9. "I'm sorry Mr. Brokaw. Wine coolers aren't allowed in the auditorium."
8. "Hey Pat! Where's Vanna?"
7. "It gives me chills to think one of these men could actually cast the deciding vote if there's a tie in the Senate!"
6. "What's Don King doing here?"
5. "For the 10th time, Mr. Brokaw -- no shirt, no shoes, no debate."
4. "Hey! That sleeper hold is illegal!"
3. "And you're no George Kennedy either!"
2. "Balance the budget? Hey pal, balance this!"
1. "Thank god he only came off as a run-of-the-mill boob."
Robin Given's Top 9 Grounds for Divorce - October 7, 1988
9. Got inexplicably sulky after she accused him of being a psychotic on national TV.
8. Objected to mother-in-law's cot in their bedroom.
7. His cello practicing kept her up until all hours.
6. Liked to kiss with his mouthpiece in.
5. Always asking "Which one are you?" while watching the Cosby Show.
4. Kept spit bucket by bed.
3. Unsupportive of her career as golddigger.
2. His pie crust was dry, not flaky.
1. Thought a bloodthirsty killing machine would be more gentle.
Mike Tyson's Top 10 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart - October 11, 1988
10. Take a warm bath, sip a fine brandy, and toss a sofa through a plate glass window.
9. Spend week trout fishing with Don King.
8. Compare your own life with Leon Spinks'.
7. Float rose petals in your spit bucket.
6. Put on as much gold jewelry as your spine can withstand.
5. Remember: there's plenty of heartless, calculating golddiggers in the sea.
4. Remind yourself that your best years as a casino greeter lie ahead.
3. Rush into a hasty marriage with Brigitte Nielsen.
2. Pictionary, pictionary, pictionary.
1. Try to see the good in each new mother/daughter team you go out with.
Dave Letterman's Top 10 Driving Tips - October 12, 1988
10. Firemen like it when you race alongside them.
9. If pursued by highway patrol always pull over immediately, then try to flee on foot.
8. Keep freezer bags in glove compartment in case you hit a steer.
7. With the right tools, any rental car can be a convertible.
6. When transporting a monkey don't let him take the wheel no matter how much he screeches.
5. To let other drivers know you're there, start blowing your horn as you leave the driveway and don't stop until you reach your destination.
4. Only use Bat Chutes in a real emergency.
3. An engineer's cap and bandana add an element of fantasy and fun.
2. There are no finer men and women than the officers of the New Canaan Connecticut Police Department. They are the unsung heros of the 20th century.
1. When cutting through yards at night, look out for kids in tents.
Dan Quayle's Own Top 10 Campaign Ideas - October 14, 1988
10. Dad gives every registered voter fifty bucks.
9. Silence critics by promising to start another war in Vietnam and fight in that one.
8. Switch from Sugar Pops to more mature bran cereal.
7. Kegger!
6. Baffle Lloyd Bentsen by legally changing name to "Jack Kennedy".
5. Allow college to release records of guy who took exams for me.
4. Let Don King handle everything.
3. ** Insert your own Indiana National Guard joke here **
2. Cough a lot so people think Bush with outlive me.
1. Point out that many of the great men of history were lightweight zeros.
Top 10 Ways Dukakis Can Close the Gap - October 18, 1988
10. Appear taller and more in command by only taking questions from dwarf reporters.
9. Talk about a zillion points of lights.
8. Charm and delight Americas's young people by pulling birds from his eyebrows.
7. Replace fundraising committee with Robin Givens.
6. Promise first act as president would be to kill everybody in Reebok's U.B.U. commercials.
5. Demonstrate passion by wrestling nude with Bentsen in front of a roaring fire.
4. Pitch no-hitter in seventh game of World Series.
3. Urge all citizens to stop buying jeans.
2. Steroids! Steroids! Steroids!
1. Follow Bush's example: dump Bentsen and name a dim-witted jerk as running mate.
Top 10 Least Popular Hotel/Motel Chains - October 19, 1988
10. Edge 'o' the Runway Inn
9. Mother Goose's Unventilated Cinderblock Oven
8. The Prison-view Motel
7. Ol' Doc Mengele's Pocono Lodge
6. The One-key-fits-all Motor Courts
5. Al Sharpton's Polynesian Village
4. The Standing Water Tourist Trench
3. Bed and Bryant
2. Top 'o' the Dumpster in Midtown
1. Rip Van Winkle's Sleepy Gas Leak Motor Lodge
Top 10 Ways Bush Could Still Blow It - November 1, 1988
10. Show off new Lee Press-On Nails at press conference.
9. Promise first act as President would be a stamp honoring Gallagher.
8. Vow to replace land-based missiles with Digby the Giant Dog.
7. Illegal amounts of pine tar discovered on Barbara.
6. Make last-minute whistlestop tour, strangle a puppy at every station.
5. His prints found on gun next to Sam Donaldson's body.
4. Denounce Cosby Show as stupid piece of crap.
3. Pick Dan Quayle as Vice President.
2. Forget to respond to Final Jeopardy in form of a question.
1. Get photographed on ferris wheel holding hands with Al Sharpton.
Top 10 Upcoming Geraldo Specials - November 2, 1988
10. Live from Elvis' Grave with a Shovel
9. Is the NBA Being Ruined by Flubber?
8. By the Hollow Tree: Stakeout for the Keebler Elves
7. Gutterballs: Pro Bowling Groupies
6. We Get Drunk and Bust into a Gum Machine
5. Former Nazis Who Work at the Gap
4. The Dumbo syndrome: Men with Big Ears Who Can Fly
3. One Bird's Obsession: Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs
2. Geraldo and the Chipmunks Magical Musical Christmas
1. Raising Raymond Burr
Top 10 Things that Would Keep Me from Doing the Show - November 3, 1988
10. They need my chair up at the NBC news desk.
9. My poodle-grooming service really starts to make money.
8. A brutal alien-invading army demands that Earth send forth their champion.
7. Connie Chung finally drops that fat guy she's married to.
6. Any serious job offer.
5. A chance to go backstage at the Winter Garden and watch the cast of "Cats" put on their makeup.
4. President Quayle.
3. A single word from Mr. Gotti.
2. When there is no longer a single cameraman, a single studio audience member, or a single television set on the face of the Earth; then and only then will I cease my endless strivings to educate, to illuminate, to entertain.
1. If I still feel lousy tomorrow.
Top 10 Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Great President - November 4, 1988
10. Would not seem like brainy egghead when visiting nation's injured professional wrestlers.
9. Boyish good looks would cause Mrs. Gorbachev to fall in love, reveal state secrets.
8. His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man costume on national holidays.
7. Secret Service agents wouldn't have to take their jobs so seriously.
6. Hilarious hijinks when mischievous staffer tells him to go stand in corner of Oval Office.
5. State of the Union Address would be three minutes tops.
4. Might really enjoy the part where after signing a bill into law, he gets to pass out a lot of souvenir pens.
3. Would satisfy little-known constitutional requirement that Chief Executive be "dumb as a tree".
2. We'd get to watch him grow up on TV.
1. Impossible to pick himself as Vice President.
Top 10 Dukakis Excuses - November 9, 1988
10. Forgot to wear "lucky shorts."
9. Thought election was first Tuesday in December.
8. It's just a big popularity contest.
7. Used Wendell to warm-up campaign crowds.
6. Couldn't believe anyone in a million, jillion years would vote for George Bush.
5. Extensive campaigning in Belgium was waste of time.
4. Fell for Bush's old "you-vote-for-me-and-I'll-vote-for-you" trick.
3. ** insert your own eyebrow joke here **
2. Ill-advised pledge to "tax you bastards back to the Stone Age."
1. Didn't care about presidency; just wanted to win $20 bet that I could do better than Mondale.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Questions While at the White House - November 10, 1988
10. "OK if I leave my clubs here?"
9. "Who are all the old farts in the paintings?"
8. "Can I have a Kermit phone?"
7. "Do we get the day after Thanksgiving off?"
6. "Would you tell me about the rabbits, George?"
5. "Are all the Playmates down at the sauna or are they shooting bumper pool?"
4. "Which button am I supposed to never touch?"
3. "Won't it be great if George and I win the big election?"
2. "Where did Prescilla sleep?"
1. "Mrs. Reagan, can I call you Mommy?"
Top 10 CBS Slogans - November 11, 1988
10. Tonight Dan Rather might do something goofy.
9. We're cheaper than cable.
8. We're the #1 network alphabetically (except for ABC).
7. Our high-frequency audio signal keeps your home rodent-free.
6. The network of the 1964 Winter Olympics.
5. Andy Rooney's only on for a minute a week.
4. For a $10 pledge, we'll send you a tote bag.
3. When the other networks run a commercial, why not spend a minute with us?
2. Ain't too proud to beg.
1. C'mon, what difference does it make? We all show pretty much the same crap anyway.
Yassir Arafat's Top 10 Ways To Improve the PLO's Image - November 15, 1988
10. Award frequent flyer mileage during hijackings.
9. Really insane guys would have to see staff psychologist on regular basis.
8. Have Itzhak Perlman over for a nice piece of fish.
7. Put really funny message on office answering machine.
6. Change name to Palestinian Good Old Guys.
5. Promise for every airport bombing, we'll donate 50 cents to the Sierra Club.
4. Kidnap Geraldo. Keep him.
3. Expel Jim & Tammy from ministry -- freeze their assets.*
2. Lots of Binaca.
1. New slogan: "You're never fully dressed without a smile."
* How to improve the PTL's image.
Top 10 Signs That People Are Getting Dumber - November 16, 1988
10. Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks.
9. Cher cologne.
8. Nobel Prize for literature given to guy who first hyphenated "oat-bran".
7. Quaylemania!
6. Japanese successfully marketing TV set that's just a cardboard box with a picture of Fess Parker inside it.
5. Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making.
4. Most Americans can name no more than 2 of the 4 dancing raisins.
3. People will applaud even when no joke has been made.
2. Presidential Seal now reads "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.
1. I'm still on the air.
Top 10 Fears of Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear - November 29, 1988
10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap.
9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats.
8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts.
7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in '78.
6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male.
5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly.
4. Winnie-the-Pooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly suggesting that he should be the fabric softener bear.
3. Something might happen to George Bush.
2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains "snuggly" forever.
1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower.
Top 10 Least Popular Candy Bars - November 30, 1988
10. Lug-Nut
9. Turkish Prison Taffy
8. Hardened Toothpaste Mint Patties
7. Sunoco Resin Chews
6. Rev. Al's Marshmallow Medallions
5. Mexican Monkey Brittle
4. Good `n' Linty
3. Two Musketeers & a Guy with a Hacking Cough
2. Mookie Way
1. Roger Ebert's Mystery Log
Top 10 Reasons To Let Yassir Arafat into the United States - December 2, 1988
10. Already spent $50 for tickets to Radio City Christmas Show.
9. Can catch up with high school pals now driving New York City cabs.
8. Donahue desperate for guests.
7. He's already got a sitter for that weekend.
6. His 3-point shooting could help Miami Heat win first game.
5. Now says his past behavior just the result of "really bad cramps."
3. He could return that caulking gun he borrowed from me.
2. The man is, after all, Ricky Schroder's real father.
1. He's killed a lot of people. Sometimes I snap at my secretary. Nobody's perfect.
Top 10 Unsafe Toys for Christmas - December, 1986
10. Junior Electrician Outlet Patrol
9. Hasbro's Slippery Steps
8. Black & Decker Silly Driller
7. Roof Ranger Paratrooper Outfit
6. Remco's Pocket Hive
5. Traffic Tag
4. Will It Burn? From Parker Brothers
3. Chimney Explorer
2. My First Ferret Farm
1. Ooh -- You're Blue! The Hold-Your-Breath Game
Top 10 Christmas Movies Playing in the Times Square Area - December 13, 1988
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes Round-the-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
Top 10 Campaign Promises George Bush Is Sorry He Made - December 15, 1988
10. To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO.
9. To bite head off rat at first press conference.
8. Bomb France back to the Stone Age.
7. To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing.
6. Appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarette in mouth.
5. To deflower Brooke Shields on board the Space Shuttle Atlantis .
4. To dispose of radioactive waste through the home shopping Network.
3. At summit with Soviets, to try "pull my finger" trick on Gorbachev.
2. To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch.
1. To reveal during inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis.
Top 10 Least Popular Christmas Gifts - December 21, 1988
10. Andre-the-Giant Champagne
9. Hickory Farms Smoked Gristle Assortment
8. Phil Donahue's "A Boy's First Dress"
7. An hour of free advertising on CBS
6. The Jimmy Swaggart Pop-up Book
5. Angry-Live-Bird-in-a-Bag from Hartz Mountain
4. Dan Rather Lather Skin Bracer for Men
3. The Living Weasel Wallet
2. Al Sharpton Hairstyling Spackle
1. Isotoner Diapers
Top 10 Circus Family Holiday Traditions - December 22, 1988
10. Grandpa Geek leads family in prayer -- then bites head off live turkey.
9. Put star on top of pinhead.
8. Get elephant to sit on Fotomat booth.
7. Count off 12 days of Christmas -- 1 day per finger.
6. Graft red rubber ball onto goat's nose: charge saps 5 bucks to see "Rudolph."
5. Carols sung in harmony by two-headed boy.
4. Extend turkey stuffing with sawdust.
3. Let Monkey Boy wear festive green diaper.
2. Sit-down dinner of corn dogs, cotton candy, and pink lemonade.
1. Get liquored up, go to town, scare decent folk.
Top 10 Elf Fears - December 23, 1988
10. Contracting Lyme disease from showering with reindeer.
9. The end of somebody's tiny little hammer will fly off and crack a skull open.
8. Massive layoffs from impending Santa-Keebler merger.
7. Getting stranded after dark in a pixie neighborhood.
6. They'll die and go to hell.
5. First elf president will probably not come in their lifetime.
4. Low blood pressure will make it difficult to maintain curled toes.
3. Something happens to Bush.
2. Santa will replace them with really smart Oriental kids.
1. Bell rash.
--- 1989 ---
Dave's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions - January 3, 1989
10. Wear ascot every day -- not just for Sunday walks
9. Plump up my lips with silicone
8. Break it off with Mrs. Robert C. Wright
7. Make sure the car trunk is really soundproof
6. To never again try to pet a monkey while its urinating
5. To be more understanding of arrogant redheaded celebrities who claim to have led previous lives
4. Finally remove the asbestos from the rec room
3. Stop saying "G.E. sucks"
2. Start saying "G.E. really sucks"
1. Slowly convince my mother that her name is "Steve"
Top 10 MiG Pilot Excuses - January 4, 1989
10. Just trying to signal Americans their seatbelts were hanging out of door.
9. Believed their new "stealth hats" made them invisible.
8. We were going real fast -- worse than the scariest carnival ride.
7. Always wanted to try ejection seat.
6. Trying to get closer look at hunky American pilots.
5. Distracted by cloud shaped like head of Oprah Winfrey.
4. Trying to pour Pepsi upside down.
3. Sometimes our hatred of Americans is so intense we do really stupid things.
2. Much better at hijacking planes than flying them.
1. Thought a kinder, gentler nation wouldn't blast the hell out of us.
Paul Schaffer's Top 10 Synthesizer Effects - January 6, 1989
10. The Batman "POW!"
9. The coffee percolator
8. Zamfir
7. Day-old shrimp salad
6. Tom Brocaw crushes a beer can against his head on the Nightly News
5. Attention K-mart shoppers
4. Hail the size of canned hams hitting a tin roof
3. A man speaking Chinese
2. A choir singing the theme to Three's Company, with a gas leak in the cathedral
1. Taxing jumbo jet runs over a monkey
Top 10 Ways Khaddafy Hopes to Improve Relations with the United States - January 10, 1989
10. Give percentage of proceeds from every kidnapping to Girl Scouts.
9. Perform in-person harmonica solo at Bush inaugural.
8. Allow 3 carry-ons during hijacking.
7. Change name of country to "Luv-ya."
6. Appear in stands at Superbowl with face painted red, white, and blue.
5. Hand out free Hershey bars to tour groups leaving nerve gas plant.
4. Put picture of Garfield on Libyan flag.
3. Binaca! Binaca! Binaca!
2. Rent out MiG's to tow Michelob banners.
1. Make chemical love, not chemical war.
Top 10 Least Popular Pepperidge Farm Cookies - January 11, 1989
10. Asbestos Snaps
9. Broccoloons
8. Tainted Oyster Dainties
7. Gravel Sandys
6. Cinnamon Sharptons
5. Cholesterol Chubbies
4. Spackle Swirlies
3. Mallomar Khaddafys
2. Monkey Clumps
1. Johnny Bench's Nut Cup
Top 10 Headlines in the Soviet Enquirer - January 12, 1989
10. Ghost of Elvis Spotted for Third Time in Line for Bacon
9. Distraught Hotel Manager: "My Rooms Still Smell Like Billy Joel"
8. Informing on Your Neighbor Can Increase Your Lifespan
7. Gaining Weight Is a Cinch with Potatoes & Vodka Diet
6. Cher's So-Called Perfume Is Nothing but Soviet Tractor Fuel
5. Russian Woman Wins Miss Universe Pageant -- For All You Know
4. Why Everybody Hates Judd Hirsch
3. KGB Mind Control Works! Bush Picks Quayle!
2. Gorbachev's Spot Moves to Other Side of Head
1. Psychics Warn: Yakov Smirnoff May Return
Top 10 Perks To Being Elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame - January 13, 1989
10. Use of bullpen car for family vacations.
9. Paves way for employment in exciting field of casino greeting.
8. DiMaggio himself comes over to set up your complimentary Mr. Coffee machine.
7. Your restaurant may now feature "Hall of Fame" barbecue ribs.
6. In super-secret ceremony, get to see face of guy who plays San Diego Chicken.
5. Handsome "You had your chance" plaque sent to former girlfriend of your choice.
4. Annual mentholated rub from Tommy Lasorda.
3. Exact knowledge of how and when the world will end.
2. Can go anywhere, anytime, and spit on the floor.
1. When people see you on the street they'll say "Hey, Hall-of-Famer!" instead of "I've already got insurance."
Top 10 Donahue Topics If the Program Were Produced by Dogs - January 17, 1989
10. Worm pill addict
9. Dogs who use cat doors
8. Post-neutering depression
7. Lady mud wrestlers
6. Korea: the evil empire
5. Those romantic Pocono tick baths
4. Falling in love with your vet
3. Owners who eat your leftovers
2. Why Quayle?
1. When to stop licking yourself
Top 10 Least Popular Fairy Tales - January 18, 1989
10. The Gingerbread Man Chew's Off His Own Leg To Get Out of a Bear Trap
9. Geraldo & Gretel
8. The Ugly Duckling Who Had Liposuction & Cheek Implants
7. The Little Old Lady Who Lived in Al Sharpton's Hair.
6. Dr. Campo & The Magic Beans
5. Mike Tyson Whips the Hell Out of the Little People
4. Scrappy, The Very Contagious Monkey
3. George Bush Won't Raise Taxes
2. The Little Engine that Occasionally Couldn't
1. Goldilocks & The Tainted Clams
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Music Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony - January 19, 1989
10. "Pleased to meet you, Bo. Is this Mrs. Diddley?"
9. "How was the food at the Betty Ford Center?"
8. "How come nobody's sitting with Albert Goldman?"
7. "The Archies haven't been the same since jughead died."
6. "David Crosby wants to know if you're gonna finish your dessert."
5. "I sorry, Mr. Yastrzemski but you're at the wrong dinner."
4. "Keith is such a healthy pale blue color."
3. "Sure the pay is good, but working with Letterman every night really sucks."
2. "Could you lift your head out of my salad?"
1. "May I see some I.D., Mr. Presley?"
Top 10 Complaints about the Inauguration - January 20, 1989
10. It wasn't in 3-D
9. Bush's over-commercial reference to "1,000 points of Bud Light"
8. Al Sharpton poor choice to deliver benediction
7. It preempted my "stories"
6. Ghost of George Washington overseeing ceremony smelled like really old cheese
5. Bush's address loaded with boastful anecdotes about getting lucky in high school
4. Quayle showed up
3. Should have waited until speech was over to tap the keg
2. 72% less warmth than average "Cosby" episode
1. Too much talk; not enough rock
Top 10 Ways John Gotti Copes with Stress - January 30, 1989
10. Bubble bath scented with provolone
9. Guess weight of victims based on their chalk outline
8. Think up things to do with rest of horse
7. Pictionary! Pictionary! Pictionary!
6. Drop by homes of jury members just to say "Hi"
5. Try to think of better nickname for Jimmy "The High-Fiber Cereal" Salerno
4. By watching the Late Night with David Letterman 7th anniversary special 9:30 p.m. Thursday, Feb. 2nd, right here on NBC
3. Switch to decaf before a hit
2. Those pictures of La Toya
1. Take pleasant drive into the country with 3 business associates, return with 2 of them
Top 10 Rejected Promotional Slogans for Live at Five - February 1, 1989
10. It's News-a-licious!
9. Drop by the studio for a free back rub
8. Caffer, Tea or Me?
7. Infotainment -- at its most infotaining
6. The perfect way to begin 8 straight hours of TV watching
5. Sue, Sue, Sue, oh God yes Sue!
4. Turn us on during dinner and you won't have to talk to your family
3. We don't care if you watch naked
2. Right across the hall from Late Night with David Letterman which will be showing its 7th anniversary special Thursday, Feb. 2nd, at 9:30 p.m.
1. Love songs, nothing but love songs.
Top 10 Reasons Diane Sawyer is Leaving CBS - February 2, 1989
10. Couldn't say the name "Morely" without giggling
9. Local Pick 'n' Pay no longer cashes CBS checks
8. Couldn't work out differences with Steinbrenner
7. Bitter that role as psycho maid in "Knots Landing" didn't become recurring character
6. Disturbed by late night visits from costumed "Harriet" Reasoner
5. Thought Domino's Pizza was making fun of her
4. Heard CBS might be bought by G.E.
3. Andy Rooney
2. Spooky CBS "eye" symbol seemed to be always staring at her
1. Dan Rather keeps calling her "Debbie"
Princess Diana's Top 10 Comments While in New York - February 3, 1989
10. "$300? Just from the airport?"
9. "What's that smell?"
8. "It was the one in the middle, officer."
7. "Delicious! Convey my compliments to Mr. Blimpie."
6. "Screw me? Hey -- screw you!"
5. "That candy bar was already in my pocket when I came in here."
4. "Graceland's in Memphis? What the hell am I doing here?"
3. "I'm sorry. The Queen Mother carries all the spare change."
2. "Charmed, I'm sure, Mookie."
1. "No, I'm King Olaf of Sweden -- jerk!"
Top 10 Soviet Excuses for Leaving Afghanistan - February 7, 1989
10. Some of the bigger rebels were throwing rocks at us.
9. Needed in Red Square in case another teenage geek tries to glide in.
8. Troops refused to miss another episode of hit Russian sitcom "Fyodor the Imprisoned Dissident."
7. Duped by phony P.A. announcement saying "Country closing in 10 minutes."
6. Knew we didn't have a chance when we saw Digby the Giant Dog on other side.
5. We've got plenty of useless arid wasteland of our own.
4. Sinatra made a phone call.
3. Needed for invasion of western Europe this Thursday . . . Oh damn! Now it's not a surprise!
2. Just to confuse Dan Quayle.
1. We're going to Disneyworld!
John Tower's Top 10 Pick-Up Lines - February 9, 1989
10. "Down here, beautiful!"
9. "They don't call me "tower" for nothing!"
8. "Didn't we meet at Gary Hart's pool party?"
7. "Care to be part of a congressional probe?"
6. "I'll take a quarter pounder, a large order of fries, and your phone number."
5. "Why . . . uh . . . sure! I own Tower Records."
4. "I could have your picture on every bomber in the Air Force."
3. "How about a 3-way with me, you, and Sununu?"
2. "Do you take Mastercard?"
1. "Please, please, please, please, oh please."
Top 10 Ways Iran Is Celebrating the 10th Anniversary of the Revolution - February 10, 1989
10. Seaport fireworks and car bomb display
9. Double frequent flyer mileage on all hijacked planes
8. Monster truck rally on rubble of U.S. Embassy
7. Blood-of-our-enemies chug-a-lug
6. Radio Tehran organizes wet-veil contest
5. Diet Coke sponsors 3-D execution of 1,200 petty thieves
4. Shah's old palace reopened as world's largest Benetton
3. Lackluster prime-time special with a lot of clips from old shows
2. New tourism slogan: "Throw another hand on the barbie"
1. Everybody tries Bermuda shorts for the day
Top 10 Things Dave Loves - February 14, 1989
10. The first bracing sting of the tattoo needle on my taut skin
9. Insincere flattery heaped on me by my phony-baloney show biz pals
8. Highway patrolmen who respect a celebrity's god-given right to exceed the speed limit by 15 to 20 mph
7. MacNeil -- but not Lehrer
6. The crisp minty scent of my hairpiece glue
5. Putting on the chicken suit to entertain all the great San Diego fans
4. The incredible shaving comfort of my new Norelco rotary head shaver
3. When the screaming voices in my head momentarily stop
2. Anything with Peter Allen in it
1. Sleeping naked in our office reception area
The Ayatollah's Top 10 Other Literary Criticisms - February 15, 1989
10. One Leo Buscalglia book pretty much like another
9. Why didn't Tom Sawyer just take everyone hostage?
8. Hardcover books tougher to burn than paperbacks
7. Albert Goldman is just jealous of Elvis
6. "This Old House" book needs more pictures of Norm
5. Not enough anecdotes about Ivana in Donald Trump's autobiography
4. Shark in "Jaws" not as big as one pictured on cover
3. Too few Jackie Collins novels translated into Farsi
2. Satan dogs at Reader's Digest never print my "Humor in Uniform" submissions
1. I don't know why, but Marmaduke just makes me laugh
Top 10 New Slogans for America's Savings & Loans - February 16, 1989
10. We're slightly better than a mattress.
9. Bring your own pen.
8. Bad loan fever - catch it!
7. As solid as the Jane Fonda/Tom Hayden marriage.
6. Feeling lucky, punk?
5. No matter what happens - you keep the passbook.
4. Didn't Jimmy Stewart work for a savings & loan in It's a Wonderful Life? Well, we're sort of like that.
3. Coming soon to this location: Pizza Hut!
2. We're not worth robbing.
1. Bet with your head - not over it!
Top 10 Fears McDonald's Managers - February 17, 1989
10. Under torture I might reveal ingredients of secret sauce.
9. Customers will figure out that the fish sandwich and apple pie are exact same item.
8. Mayor McCheese's naked body found in cheap hotel room somewhere down south.
7. Might someday accidentally eat a McNugget.
6. After sex with wife, might mistakenly say, "Do you want fries with that?"
5. One of the trainees wants to man the shake machine and dammit - he's not ready!
4. Something will happen to Bush.
3. Even after selling a billion Big Macs, I'll still feel kind of empty inside.
2. Someday a race of supercows will make paper-thin burgers out of me.
1. That might not be mayonnaise.
Top 10 TV Shows in the Year 2000 - February 21, 1989
10. George Burns' I-Can't-Even-Pretend-To-Have-Sex-Anymore Special
9. Billy Martin & The Yankees: This Time It's for Keeps!
8. The Hydroponically-Maintained-Head-of-Hugh Downs Show
7. Oat Bran: The Silent Killer
6. Morganna & The Ayatollah: The Love that Changed History
5. The Golden Girl
4. The Very Last Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young Reunion - No Kidding This Time.
3. Dave Letterman's Weather Wrap-up
2. Learn Japanese Before It's Too Late
1. More Damn Lucy Reruns
Top 10 Ways Frank Bruno Can Beat Mike Tyson - February 22, 1989
10. Fill Tyson's water bottle with thousand island dressing.
9. Try old "bet-I-can-hit-you-softer" gag.
8. Confuse judges by acting real happy when you get hit.
7. Do so well on written portion that boxing portion won't matter.
6. Sing theme from "The Way We Were": as Tyson cries like a baby, knock him silly.
5. Scare Tyson by acting real cocky as you climb back into ring.
4. Dress up like referee - then strangle him with whistle.
3. Five simple words: "There's a mummy behind you."
2. Get Tyson overconfident by letting him beat you into a shapeless pulp.
1. Warn him that the winner will have to take on Gerry Cooney.
Top 10 Least Popular Broadway Shows - February 23, 1989
10. Oprah-homa!
9. Sunday in the Park with George Steinbrenner
8. Twelve Angry Men & a Baby
7. Sharptonmania
6. Roy Rogers' Incontinent Dog & Monkey Rodeo
5. I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for this Muffler: A Dramatic Reading by James Earl Jones
4. David Brinkley's Enchanted World of Magic & Illusion
3. Meese!
2. Death of an Amway Salesman
1. Oh Velveeta!
Top 10 Duties of the New Japanese Emperor - February 24, 1989
10. Validate parking for world leaders who stayed more than 2 hours at funeral.
9. Impress U.N. General Assembly by slicing tin can with Ginsu knife.
8. Call Dan Quayle at 3 a.m. and scream "Banzai!" into phone.
7. Record "your lights are on" for use in all talking Toyotas.
6. Befriend Pat Morita; find out who's gay in Hollywood.
5. Organize title fight between Mike Tyson & Mothra.
4. Find "friends" for John Tower when he's in town.
3. See that Yoko Ono's U.S. citizenship is kept up-to-date.
2. Defend crown every 6 months as required by World Wrestling Federation by-laws.
1. Make sure America isn't late with the rent check.
Top 10 Good Things About John Tower - February 28, 1989
10. Looks really good in a Cub Scout uniform.
9. His name nowhere near as silly as "Caspar Weinberger."
8. Uses less oxygen than normal-sized human.
7. His pledge not to drink will lessen U.S. dependence on foreign tequila.
6. Doesn't mind dancing with Barbara.
5. His several ex-wives spend their alimony on American products.
4. Can wear hand-me-downs from Bush grandchildren.
3. He uses protection.
2. The millions he's already taken from Pentagon contractors make him too rich to bribe in the future.
1. He'd put the "secretary" back in "Secretary of State."
Top 10 Punchlines to Scottish Dirty Jokes - March 1, 1989
10. It took me a fortnight to get out the thistles.
9. I dinna know you could also get wool from them!
8. It's not a bagpipe, but don't stop playing!
7. What made you think I was talking about golf?
6. I've heard of comin' through the rye -- but this is ridiculous!
5. Of course she's served millions -- she's a McDonald.
4. Oh, so you're Wade Boggs.
3. Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster?
2. Who's burning argyles?
1. She's in the distillery making Johnnie Walker Red.
Top 10 Boston Red Sox Team Rule - March 2, 1989
10. During team orgies, players must stick to batting order.
9. Do not bring mistress to ballpark on Camera Night.
8. Pine tar to be used on bats only.
7. Married men must prove they are traveling with more than one girlfriend to get extra game tickets.
6. All team members must wear protective equipment.
5. Players batting under .300 are forbidden to cheat on their wives.
4. When writing autobiography, do not blaspheme Allah.
3. Girlfriends must sign out catchers mask and shinguards.
2. All 5-time league batting champions should keep their mouths shut for awhile, Boggs.
1. Choke up on it.
James Brown's Top 10 Prison Complaints - March 3, 1989
10. Only two hairdryers for over 3,000 men!
9. Guards keep calling me "Little Richard."
8. Always getting leg caught in bars when doing the splits.
7. Five packs of cigarettes for one bottle of Luster-Silk!
6. Prison library scandalously short of Jane Austen novels.
5. Escape tunnel too narrow to shimmy in.
4. Irritating snoring of Ike Turner.
3. Death row guys always win talent show because of sympathy.
2. Can't believe I'm in here and John Denver walks around free.
1. Just hate being soul brother #175683.
Top 10 Things Overheard on the Eastern Shuttle - March 14, 1989
10. "I can't get you another drink, sir -- I've got to go land the plane."
9. "Did you see those people on the Triboro Bridge duck?"
8. "That's the key to the cargo door. Try the square key."
7. "Another double bourbon, Senator Tower?"
6. "Is that a warning light or does that mean the coffee is done?"
5. "This is your baggage handler speaking. We'll be cruising at an altitude of 20,000 feet."
4. "Ladies and gentlemen, please -- only one bite from the sandwich we're passing around."
3. "Relax! I siphoned some gas out of my old man's Chevy."
2. "Before we land, please pass all job applications to the front."
1. "Radar shmadar!"
Top 10 New Slogans for the National Fruit Council - March 15, 1989
10. Eat plenty of fruit -- but be sure to induce vomiting immediately after
9. Tainted grapes -- they even sound fun!
8. Come on America! Let's juggle!
7. An apple a day? See your doctor today.
6. Feeling lucky, punk?
5. Remember: nobody has actually died yet.
4. Fruit: oh-so-satisfying for target practice!
3. It's DDT-licious!
2. Would a giant profit-oriented cartel lie to you?
1. Well, maybe vegetables are poisonous too.
Top 10 Dog Pick-Up Lines - March 16, 1989
10. "Come to this chain-link fence often?"
9. "My friend and I have a bet. I say you're part Airedale."
8. "I know a nice place where we can drink out of the toilet."
7. "Didn't we meet at Lorne Greene's funeral?"
6. "I've been trained to sniff out explosives and I can tell you're dynamite!"
5. "This kennel is so full of phonies!"
4. "Your coat looks lovely with all those fresh lawn trimmings in it."
3. "Even a garden hose wouldn't stop me from loving you."
2. "Hey! Who smells like decomposing squirrels?"
1. "Aw c'mon -- I'm getting neutered tomorrow!"
General Electric's Top 10 St. Patrick's Day Traditions - March 17, 1989
10. Sell lightbulbs in six-packs.
9. Pink slips replaced with festive green slips.
8. Executives start drinking heavily at 9 a.m. instead of usual 11 a.m.
7. Machinery emitting noxious brown fumes changed to emit noxious green fumes.
6. Drunken middle managers parade around office displaying their small appliances.
5. Willard sports a green toupee.
4. Bet employee pension fund on tonight's Celtics game.
3. Commissary serves green meat loaf.
2. Brokaw downs a pitcher of Guinness before reading each news item.
1. We all drive over to PBS and kick the crap out of Alistair Cooke.
Top 10 Questions Eastern Airlines Asks Prospective Pilots - March 21, 1989
10. "Can you drive a stick?"
9. "Would a drink help steady those hands?"
8. "Could you hotwire a 737?"
7. "Do you think your membership in the Islamic Jihad will interfere with your flight schedule?"
6. "What exactly did you get for being Wendy's Employee of the Month?"
5. "Are you sure you could reach the controls, Senator Tower?"
4. "Ever hear of Boston? How about Washington?"
3. "What have you been doing since Menudo?"
2. "Spell Eastern."
1. "Can you bring your own cap?"
Pete Rose's Top 10 Tips for Enjoying the Baseball Season - March 22, 1989
10. For extra gambling money, get hair cut by cheapest barber in town.
9. Bet against your own team -- either way, you win!
8. Wear cup home in case you meet enforcer in parking lot.
7. Let groundskeepers cut your hair between innings.
6. Pawnshops farther from the park pay more for World Series rings.
5. Enjoy father/son night at OTB.
4. Raise cash at small town malls signing autographs as Dorothy Hamill.
3. Every time you see a bat, be thankful it's not breaking your legs.
2. Despite ridicule, don't reveal deathbed pledge to Moe Howard to keep his haircut alive.
1. Hold office pool on which day I'll be suspended.
Top 10 Carnival Pick-Up Lines - March 23, 1989
10. "I couldn't help noticing you throw up on the tilt-a-whirl."
9. "Is somebody frying dough or is that you?"
8. "But I have to put my hands there to guess your weight."
7. "I get off at nine, Senator Tower."
6. "After a nice candlelit dinner, I'll let you pound a nail into my head."
5. "I'm sure I've got a tattoo of your name on me somewhere."
4. "How'd you like to become Mrs. Human Torso?"
3. ** Insert your own corndog joke here **
2. "If you didn't have that hard squinty look so common to carnival trash, you could be a model."
1. "Is that a ring toss game -- or are you just glad to see me?"
The Easter Bunny's Top 10 Pet Peeves - March 24, 1989
10. Having to cross I-95.
9. Being mistaken for Shelley Duvall.
8. Constant hopping raises hell with inner ear.
7. All the red tape involved in getting a liquor license.
6. Finding out your date is just a furry pink house slipper.
5. Can't we get someone bigger than Bob Barker as an anti-fur spokesman?
4. Drunken calls from Santa reminding you the kids really love him.
3. When the Gambinos won't give you a lousy extra week to come up with the cash.
2. Jewish kids who own BB guns.
1. Ticks in your fur the size of jellybeans.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Soviet Elections - March 28, 1989
10. "I liked his campaign pledge: "A kinder, gentler Gulag."
9. "Let me get this straight: first they have the election? Then they publish the results?"
8. "I chose Pepsi? Well, it tastes better!"
7. "How the hell did Jesse Jackson get on the ballot?"
6. "All right, Mr. Rose. That's $100 on Volkov for mayor."
5. "Isn't that blonde with Yeltsin Donna Rice?"
4. "Here's an absentee ballot from our deep-cover agent Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto."
3. "No! I said this was my first decent election in years."
2. "I knew Joe Stalin. I worked with Joe Stalin. And you're not Joe Stalin!"
1. "Perestroika? I'd rather have a pair of blue jeans!"
Top 10 New Exxon Slogans - March 28, 1989
10. We've got oil to spare!
9. Exxon Transport: the Eastern Airlines of the sea.
8. Anybody got a tissue?
7. Breathe a word of this to anyone and we'll kill you.
6. Keeping your children safe from bloodthirsty marauding walruses.
5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.
4. Three-Mile Island -- now that was an accident!
3. If it weren't for us, American seagulls would be covered with foreign oil.
2. Ecosystem, shmecosystem!
1. Hey -- you try drinking 3 or 4 sixpacks and then steering a huge oil tanker!
Top 10 Rejected Names for Joan Collins' New Perfume - March 29, 1989
10. Fleet's In!
9. Who's Frying Eggs?
8. Better Than That Crap Linda Evans Is Selling
7. sixtysomething
6. If Symptoms Persist, Contact Your Doctor
5. Suddenly Exxon
4. Kennel Cough
3. Joan Collins' Latest Cynical Attempt To Cash in on Her Popularity Before the Whole World Gets Sick and Tired of Her Once and for All
2. Really Old Spice
1. Next!
Top 10 Excuses of the Exxon Tanker Captain - March 31, 1989
10. Trying to scrape ice off reef for margarita.
9. Thought harbor was filled with soft fluffy kind of rocks.
8. Felt flourishing salmon population was getting a little cocky lately.
7. Wanted to impress Jodie Foster.
6. Kept drinking beer to wash away taste of cheap scotch.
5. First mate and I were having "tastes great/less filling" argument.
4. Swerving to avoid oncoming Eastern Airlines jet.
3. You really need a good nap after downing a pitcher of frozen daiquiris.
2. Hoping to dislodge any whales that might be trapped in ice.
1. Man, was I 'faced!
Top 10 Least Popular European Tourist Attractions - March 4, 1989
10. Alpine Spit Flumes
9. Richard Dawson's Birthplace
8. Live-on-Stage Tribute Show: "Abba-mania!"
7. Athens Airport Unclaimed Luggage Grab Bag
6. Senor Wences Bed & Breakfast
5. Bavarian Beer Hall Walk-In Eye Surgery Clinic
4. Vatican Batting Cage
3. The Von Trapp Family's Hissing Spitting Monkey Farm
2. Wet 'n' Waldheim
1. Six Flags Over Lapland
John Gotti's Top 10 Tax Tips - April 5, 1989
10. You can deduct the entire piano even if you bought it just for the wire.
9. Guys you escape from the trunk of your car may be considered business losses.
8. No matter how much he relies on your business, a funeral director does not count as a dependent.
7. Another write-off: long-distance calls to Pete Rose.
6. You must actually kill someone in your home for it to qualify as "place of business."
5. Three simple words to the auditor: "How's your family?"
4. For a vacation to count as a business trip, you must return with 100 pounds of heroin.
3. Smart guy talk show hosts may end up with more medical expenses than they thought.
2. When reporting income, be plausible. No pizzeria in the world takes in $3 billion a day.
1. What H&R Block can't do, cement blocks can.
Top 10 Alaskan Tourist Slogans - March 6, 1989
10. Black is Beautiful
9. It's High-Octane Excitement!
8. What Spill?
7. Fill 'er Up -- With Fun!
6. We'll Throw Another Tar-Covered Salmon on the Barbie!
5. Live the Adventure: Fly Eastern to Alaska
4. No Chattering Birds Waking You Up at Dawn
3. Welcome to Jiffy Lube!
2. No Smoking
1. 240,000 Barrels of Fun!
Top 10 Reasons PBS Is Letting Bob Vila Go - March 7, 1989
10. Caught in a compromising position with a muppet.
9. Creative differences with producer over how to build a screen door.
8. Was driving a wedge of suspicion between MacNeil and Lehrer.
7. He was moonlighting as an Eastern Airlines pilot.
6. Refused to explain certain rubber attachments for his power drill.
5. Became big star, suddenly "forgot" how to answer pledge phones.
4. In drunken rage, tried to sand Norm's face off.
3. Had falling out with Steinbrenner.
2. Always sneaking off into dark rooms with a tape measure.
1. Two simple words: stealing hammers.
Top 10 New York Yankees Excuses - April 11, 1989
10. Forgot to set clock ahead; always missing batting practice.
9. Too preoccupied with significance of Soviet elections to concentrate on baseball.
8. Should never have signed shoe deal to wear only Florsheims.
7. Manager's pep talk on intestinal viruses a real downer.
6. Still winded from clubhouse visits by Margo Adams.
5. Tired of getting hairstyles ruined by victory champagne.
4. Sickened to learn that ball is covered with horsehide.
3. We haven't played the Orioles yet.
2. Big wet kiss from George Steinbrenner is a poor incentive to win.
1. A little "arrangement" with Pete Rose.
Top 10 Questions in the Minds of the Oliver North Trial Jurors - April 12, 1989
10. Ollie North -- didn't he used to play Dennis the Menace?
9. Aren't Sandinistas a type of Girl Scout cookie?
8. I wonder what Fawn Hall looks like naked?
7. Can I play myself in the movie?
6. How could North afford both Jacoby and Meyers?
5. Who the hell told Rob Lowe to sing at the Oscars?
4. When will lab evidence be introduced by Jack Klugman?
3. I wonder who carved "bite me" on the railing?
2. Uh oh. Are my walkman batteries giving out?
1. I wonder if McDonalds is hiring?
Top 10 Ways I Celebrated My Birthday - April 13, 1989
10. Let my maids go to liquor cabinet and take swig of scotch.
9. Stunned by news from Mom I was adopted from passing carnival people.
8. Sat on giant scale; had staff bring me my weight in Cheetos.
7. Finalized design for this year's hairpiece.
6. Got really drunk and told Barbra Streisand I wanted to get back together.
5. Took last night's audience for dinner and drinks at Club 22.
4. Two words: Times Square.
3. Woke up a lot of people at 3 a.m. trying to locate high school girlfriends.
2. Pictionary! Pictionary! Pictionary!
1. Paused to reflect on all the blessings and privileges I enjoy; then resumed screaming at my secretary.
Top 10 Least Popular "Little Rascals" - April 14, 1989
10. Bulgey
9. Velveeta
8. Jim, the body oil enthusiast
7. Khadafy
6. Darla's creepy stepbrother with the flaming skull tattoo
5. Mookie
4. Lee harvey
3. Seymour Pearlstein, clubhouse CPA
2. Pantless Pedro
1. Crazy, the unpredictably vicious dog
Dave's Top 10 Reasons for Filing His Taxes Late - April 18, 1989
10. Confused tax filing date with May 17 deadline for Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
9. My own form of protest against our nation's oppressive highway speed limits.
8. Thought my many gifts to Jim Wright would protect me from IRS.
7. Spent weekend digging in Burger King trash for business lunch receipts.
6. Had complicated joint return because of my secret marriage to Barbra Streisand.
5. Didn't know if I could deduct strangers in my house as dependents.
4. Waiting to mail in form with yet-to-be-issued Elvis stamp.
3. Need time to convert home into tax-free "museum."
2. Had hunch I'd be stung to death during segment with insect lady. Figured: why bother?
1. Hey -- deadlines and numbers are just establishment illusions, man.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Exxon Cleanup - April 19, 1989
10. "Anybody got a Wet-Nap?"
9. "I shouldn't have worn the white bucks."
8. "Look everybody! I'm Al Jolson!"
7. "Here comes a camera crew. Act busy."
6. "Oil! We're rich!"
5. "Ewwwwwww!"
4. "The bitch of it is, when I get home I've still got to do the dishes."
3. "Boy, you'd think Letterman would be tired of Exxon jokes."
2. "You know, it tastes a little like licorice."
1. "Hey! You missed a couple hundred thousand barrels over there by the coastline!"
Top 10 Reasons We're Here in Chicago - May 2, 1989
10. Figured old jokes might "seem new" in new town.
9. Thought this would be best place to reveal my secret marriage to Oprah.
8. One morning I just woke up naked and unshaven in front of the Sears Tower.
7. I love the food at O'Hare.
6. Just can't believe there's absolutely nothing in Al Capone's vault.
5. Already made plans to attend murder-mystery weekend with Refrigerator Perry.
4. Easy to milk cheap applause from Chicago audiences.
3. Wanted to see the house that Bryant grew up in.
2. Same reason we so everything: the voices in my head told be to.
1. Because I have pledged my life, my fortune, and my sacred honor to entertain this country.
Top 10 Chicago Cub Excuses for not Winning a World Series Since 1908 - May 3, 1989
10. Can actually see World Series better watching it on TV.
9. Mistakenly thought low score wins -- like in golf.
8. Secure enough in our manhood to play gently.
7. Traded high draft picks for candy and pocket flashlights.
6. Too many guys from 1908 team still on roster.
5. Image of "loveable losers" gets us more tail than Sinatra.
4. Since we got police scanner in dugout, real-life crises make it hard to concentrate on meaningless sport.
3. Conferences on mound degenerate into reminiscing about that great team in 1908.
2. Hey -- have you ever tried hitting a major league curveball?
1. It's victory enough living in Chicago -- home of the best damn audiences in the world!
Top 10 Least Popular Chicago Tourist Attractions - May 4, 1989
10. Sears Tower Sidewalk Spit Target
9. Stuff-Stuck-to-the-Bottom-of-the-Seats-at-Wrigley-Field Museum
8. Shop where Bryant bought his first suit
7. You-Give-Don-Zimmer-a-Spongebath
6. Museum of Science & Industry exhibit: "The Visible Ebert"
5. Jane Byrne's Jello Wrestling Arena
4. The Harry Caray Dance Troupe
3. Mike Ditka's Hall of Groin Pulls
2. Six Flags Over Wacker
1. The Grand Ole Oprah
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Panamanian Elections - May 9, 1989
10. "Sorry I'm late. I was stuck in the drug traffic."
9. "A puppet government? The kids should enjoy that."
8. "We better just forget about our extensive plans to fix the election, boys -- Jimmy Carter is here!"
7. "Por que Rob Lowe canto en el Oscars?"
6. "How the hell did Jess Jackson get on the ballot?"
5. "With 210% of the vote in, we are ready to project a winner."
4. "The guy that played Ringo looked just like him."
3. "Sorry for the confusion, miss Collins, but we're having big elections down here."
2. "Congratulations! You chose Pepsi."
1. "A man, a plan, a rigged election -- Panama!"
Top 10 Lies We Tell Our Guests - May 10, 1989
10. Don't worry. There are still lots of people watching at 1:25 a.m.
9. Those are clean towels.
8. Sure. Dave would love to sing a duet with you.
7. We invited you because we've wanted to have you on for a long time and not at all because our other guests cancelled and we're really desperate, Regis.
6. Relax. He's not the same guy who does Dave's hair.
5. We brought you here on a bus so you'd have more funny stories to tell.
4. Dave saw your movie -- and loved it!
3. Dave saw your movie.
2. We'll edit that out later.
1. They're not booing. They're chanting "Dave."
Top 10 Questions Asked of Prospective NBC Employees - May 11, 1989
10. Do you mind being paid in lightbulbs?
9. What did you do before you ran for president of Panama?
8. Spell NBC.
7. Any problem carpooling with Bryant?
6. Does this look infected to you?
5. You're not a cop are you?
4. Want to join the squad doing an inventory of Bryant Gumbel's suits?
3. How long have you been staying in Mr. Letterman's house?
2. You wouldn't leak a guy's memo, would you?
1. In a pinch, could you host a late night talk show?
Top 10 Panamanian Tourist Slogans - May 12, 1989
10. Lead Pipe Fever -- Catch It!
9. Our swaggering pock-marked dictator has free balloons for the kids.
8. You can sell your home movies to the nightly news.
7. Small low-flying unmarked planes leave every hour.
6. If professional wrestling were a country.
5. Boy, that Ayatollah is nuts, isn't he?
4. Over 3 million beaten.
3. Have lots of fun saying "isthmus."
2. What, like nobody was ever killed at Disney World?
1. The opposite of civilization.
Top 10 Ways Cars Would Be Different If Ralph Nader Had Never Been Born - May 16, 1989
10. Dashboard Hibachis
9. Seat belts made of piano wire
8. Windshield replaced with ant farm for the kids
7. Strobe headlights make oncoming traffic look like old-time movie
6. 50-foot antennas allow you to broadcast while driving
5. Optional front-seat hammocks
4. Wiper fluid reservoir routinely filled with thousand island dressing
5. Display case of garbage thrown at the San Diego Chicken
4. Steve Garvey's bed and on-deck circle
3. Cocktail glass filled with Billy Martin's knocked-out teeth
2. Scratch-a-real-big-leaguer
1. The audioanimatronic Mookie
Top 10 Questions Asked at Bush's Press Conference - June 9, 1989
10. Do you think you'll knock out Hearns Monday night?
9. We have a bet -- boxers or jockey shorts?
8. Dan Rather's just nuts, isn't he?
7. So, what's Sununu?
6. When can Mrs. Quayle and I see the White House?
5. If you're really the President, can I have a pony?
4. Where'd you get the Batman T-shirt?
3. Would you stay up past one o'clock to see the slug lady?
2. Can I talk to your supervisor?
1. They're delaying Cosby for this?
Top 10 Things Overheard at Bush's 65th Birthday Party - June 13, 1989
10. Hey, how old are these jellybeans?
9. More malt liquor, Mrs. Bush?
8. Look at all these gifts! I feel like Jim Wright!
7. They could use more hors d'oeuvres on the far side of the room, Mr. Dukakis.
6. Alright! The hookers are here!
5. Just what I wanted! Another Batman T-shirt!
4. It does look like Rob Lowe. Freeze-frame it for a second.
3. Did Queen Elizabeth send her usual carton of Luckies?
2. This gift has a special meaning to me, Mr. Quayle, because you colored it yourself.
1. China, shmina! Let's party!
Top 10 Chinese Tourist Slogans - June 15, 1989
10. We're cracking down -- on dull vacations!
9. We'll throw another dissident on the barbie!
8. There's an outside chance you'll see Dan Rather clubbed senseless.
7. We'll steal your heart -- and confiscate your film.
6. Remember how you used to like are cute pandas?
5. Free interrogation and beating with valid student I.D.
4. Visit the Szechuan County Fair with special guest star Mac Davis.
3. Democracy: Never Had it. Never will.
2. When it comes to fun, we beat everybody!
1. Ba-Boom! Ba-Ding! Beijing!
Top 10 Least Popular Father's Day Gifts - June 20, 1989
10. Build-your-own-enlarged-prostate model kit
9. Gag paternity suit subpoenas
8. A week at Dick Button's Ice Dancing Fantasy Camp
7. The Ronco Testicle Vise
6. A year of wake-up calls from Bea Arthur
5. Decorative canister full of Andy Rooney's old hankies
4. "Ask Me About My Gay Son" T-shirt
3. A tie like Dave's
2. Videotape of Mom's "date" with Rob Lowe
1. Handsome wall plaque listing all of Donald Trump's accomplishments next to all of Dad's accomplishments
Top 10 Other Announcements by the Chinese Government - June 21, 1989
10. The tanks were just here to do a little light moving.
9. We expelled journalists for teasing our lovable pandas.
8. News blackout actually caused by squirrels digging around power lines.
7. A deep sorrow swept China after Dan Rather left.
6. Armed government agents shot the sheriff -- but did not shoot the deputy.
5. Satellite transmissions shut down so people wouldn't get Leonard/Hearns fight free.
4. That wasn't tear gas, it was mountain pine air-freshener.
3. Students resume studies after most successful prom weekend ever.
2. Elvis spotted in Tiananmen Square.
1. There better not be any more protests like the one that didn't take place last month.
Top 10 Things Overheard During the Detroit Pistons' Visit to the White House - June 22, 1989)
10. Why not let the Secret Service frisk the players, Mrs. Bush?
9. Which wing did Elvis live in?
8. Whoops! Was that old table valuable?
7. Which one of you gentlemen is Meadowlark?
6. Stop playing keep-away with Mr. Quayle's cap!
5. I hope the Lakers are enjoying their visit to Mike Dukakis' house.
4. Where's the Bat-Computer?
3. Hey! There's a rubber machine in the mens room!
2. Isiah! Don't push that button! Oh my god!
1. This sucks! We should have taken the FBI tour.
Top 10 Lines from the New Star Trek Movie - June 23, 1989)
10. Captain! There's a horrible life form on your head! Oh, sorry, it's your hairpiece.
9. Surprise! Those aren't dilithium crystals -- they're Folgers crystals!
8. Damn it Jim! I'm a doctor, not a very good actor!
7. Don't let Kirk show you what he calls "The Captain's Log".
6. Computer analysis indicates it really is Rob Lowe.
5. Geez, I'm sick of you guys!
4. It's been a century since they changed your planet's name from Earth to Trump.
3. Oh yeah? Well, beam this up, Pal!
2. What the hell is Don King doing here?
1. Screw the Final Frontier! Let's go see Batman!
Top 10 Reasons Not To Suspend Pete Rose from Baseball - June 27, 1989
10. Really young gamblers need a role model.
9. Ten million Pete Rose wigs already shipped to Hall of Fame gift shop.
8. If suspended, might reveal identity of San Diego Chicken.
7. He kept his promise to kid in hospital: "I'm putting 50 bucks on today's game for you, son."
6. Might go play baseball in Japan and develop commercially viable superconductor during off- season, which would increase Japan's ever-widening economic supremacy over the Unites States.
5. He bet 5 grand they would suspend him and will make 50 grand at 10 to 1 odds.
4. No casino greeter jobs currently open.
3. Baseball needs that professional wrestling pizazz of being fixed.
2. How can you suspend OTB's "Man of the Year"?
1. Betting slips, fingerprints, handwriting, telephone records, sworn depositions -- Come on! Let's see some real proof!
Top 10 New York City Haircuts - June 28, 1989 [This one was VERY visual]
10. Old Faithful
9. Electrocuted Squirrel
8. Tribute to Paul Simon
7. Eclipse
6. The Whoopi
5. Nearly Paid For
4. Guggenhair
3. Lint Trap
2. We Remember Lucy
1. My Folks Are So Proud
Top 10 Chapter Titles in the Mike Tyson Biography - June 29, 1989
10. An Immigrant Named Tysonowicz
9. The Dark Before the Dawn: Flunking Out of Wilfred Beauty Academy
8. The Fine Line Between Boxing and Dating
7. 1001 Deviled Egg Ideas
6. Sometimes When We Touch: The Don King Nobody Knows
5. Mike's Cross-Country Drive with Sandra Day O'Conner
4. Turning Down the Vice Presidency
3. Michael Spinks: The One-Minute Workout
2. The Break with Bob Vila
1. Excuse Me, Sir. Is This Your Spleen?
Top 10 Fireworks or Al Sharpton Nicknames - June 30, 1989
10. Screechin' Preacher
9. Mousse Missile
8. Flaming Media Hog
7. Atomic Tax Cheat
6. Sparkling Whopper-Eater
5. The Self-Destructing Ball of Gas
4. Pinwheeling Porkball
3. Buffalo-in-a-Bouffant
2. Indicted Dud
1. Out-of-Control Fat Guy
Top 10 Things Overheard at the All-Star Game - July 11, 1989
10. See all those kids in the right field bleachers? Steve Garvey's.
9. What the hell is Al Sharpton doing coaching third?
8. Somebody call Dodger Stadium and see if Reagan went there by mistake.
7. Boy! All-Stars sure scratch themselves a lot!
6. I know Reagan is doing the play-by-play, but why is Jimmy Carter selling nachos?
5. Look! Tommy Lasorda's taking a leak in the parking lot!
4. Because the rules say we have to pick one member from every team -- please welcome Doug Jones of the Cleveland Indians.
3. Yes, Mr. President, they've used gloves for some time now.
2. More kraut on that dog Miss Garbo?
1. Steinbrenner, though he has no connection with this particular contest, sucks.
Top 10 Safety Tips for Flag Burners - July 12, 1989
Don't even think about burning one in the presence of a certain proud American: Namely me, Dave Letterman.
Top 10 New York City Fashion Statements - July 13, 1989
10. Honey, I Shrunk the Pants.
9. Blind Date.
8. Bozo's Mistress.
7. Dressed to Grill.
6. America's Most Wanted.
5. Your Ad Here.
4. Ghostbusters III.
3. Mork from New York.
2. Hey Look -- Hookers!
1. To the Opera, James.
President Bush's Top 10 Gaffes While in Europe - July 14, 1989
10. Addressed heads of lesser-developed nations in baby talk.
9. When presented with vintage camembert commented "Phew! What died?"
8. Ill-conceived speech to French military command: "We bailed out your sorry butts."
7. Tried to go into Hungarian 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
6. Gave away ending of "Ghostbusters II" to Lech Walesa.
5. Remarked to Bulgarian minister "You people sure turn out some good carnival acts."
4. Asked curator at the Louvre "Where's the pictures of naked broads?"
3. Accidentally told other world leaders that Quayle is vice president.
2. Washed out shorts in the bidet.
1. Loudly announcing everywhere he went "Ich bin ein Batman."
Top 10 Features of the New Stealth Bomber - July 18, 1989
10. Has 2" ball hitch on back so it can pull stealth trailer.
9. Makes square and crescent shaped ice cubes.
8. Plenty of room on wing for Trump logo.
7. Computer tabulator shows pilot up-to-the-minute frequent flyer mileage.
6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down.
5. Siren sounds if monster appears on wing like in Twilight Zone.
4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded boxing glove.
3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We Will Rock You" across a continent.
2. Advanced bombsights allow crew to deliver payload right down Khadafy's shorts.
1. Kids fly free.
Batman's Top 10 Pet Peeves - July 19, 1989
10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody he's not a professional wrestler.
9. When you can see outline of underwear through Bat Suit.
8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the Batmobile.
7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile.
6. Really stupid people that shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?"
5. When dry cleaners accidentally switches Bat Suit and San Diego Chicken costume.
4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake.
3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman.
2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can summon him at night.
1. When people call him "The Batman" -- it's just "Batman," damn it!
Top 10 Things Dave Would Have Said if He'd Been First Man on the Moon - July 20, 1989
10. Any music for this, Paul?
9. Reminds me of Muncie.
8. I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I was going 18,000 mph.
7. Could you hold that cue card a little higher?
6. If I drink one more packet of Tang, I'm gonna puke.
5. Hello Casey? I have really long distance dedication.
4. Man, do I have to take a leak!
3. Phylicia Ayers-Allen -- will you marry me?
2. Hey! It's Elvis!
1. One small step for Dave; one giant leap for Dave's moonlanding T-shirt sales.
Top 10 Names for the Letterman Estate - July 25, 1989
10. Camp David
9. Graceland North
8. Drifter's Haven
7. The Old Helmsley Place
6. Colonel Dave's Post World War III Love Bunker
5. The Deep Woods Tick Ranch
4. The Taj Ma Hal Gurnee
3. The House that Ruth Buzzi Built
2. The Swankienda
1. Shangri-Dave
Top 10 Secrets Felix Bloch Revealed to the Soviets - July 26, 1989
10. The stealth bomber can be knocked out of the sky with an ordinary garden hose.
9. So-called "secret sauce" is nothing but catsup and mayonnaise mixed together.
8. Take the Reds and two runs over the Padres.
7. The Joker didn't really die at the end of "Batman".
6. Tom Brokaw's American Express number: 360-9950-4425 (expires 4/91).
5. 101 guaranteed sure-fire pickup lines.
4. The true identity of the San Diego Chicken.
3. Try lemon juice on those stubborn grass stains.
2. Helen Hayes goes nuts when you blow on the back of her neck.
1. Dan Quayle is only pretending to be a dumb guy.
Top 10 Ways Dave Will Lower His Cholesterol - July 27, 1989
10. Use skim milk in my coffee instead of mayonnaise.
9. Have my private nurse discontinue the intravenous liquid cheese feedings.
8. Pay a 10-year-old kid to take my test for me.
7. Cancel my annual "Cool Hand Luke" egg-eating contest.
6. Visit a quack nutritionist in Guatemala who for $1,000 will play with the numbers and give me a low count.
5. Instead of sitting in my chair and telling my assistant to run my errands, I'll walk over to her desk and tell her to do them.
4. Replace cholesterol-clogged arms and legs with cool bionic limbs.
3. No more fooling around on weekends answering door in sculpted beard of butter.
2. No longer use blacking-out as signal to stop at all-you-can-eat fried clam bars.
1. Use my wealth and power to pressure the A.M.A. to dangerously lower their standards.
Adnan Khashoggi's Top 10 Money-Saving Tips - July 28, 1989
10. If you're careful, a yacht can be used more than once.
9. HBO or Cinemax -- not both.
8. Caviar Helper.
7. Have Leona Helmsley do all your shopping for you.
6. No more loans to Pete Rose.
5. For entertainment at next party, hire Frank Sinatra Jr.
4. Don't pay a lot for your muffler.
3. Live at Letterman's place for a while.
2. Two words: token sucking.
1. Quit trying to keep up with the Trumps.
Top 10 New York City Hats - August 1, 1989 [another visual one]
10. The psychedelic juicer
9. F.T.D.-lightful
8. They were all out of Batman hats
7. Probably Steve Garvey's
6. Buy one get one free
5. Mom and Dad -- my fiance
4. Looking for Dave's house
3. Honey, I shrunk the hat
2. We hope it's a hat
1. The guy from Ipanema
Top 10 Ways Rob Lowe Could Fulfill His Community Service - August 2, 1989
10. Share tips with high school audio-visual clubs.
9. Give counseling sessions to Steve Garvey.
8. Pose nude for prison art classes.
7. Spend one Saturday each month as Yankee manager.
6. Read aloud to Dan Quayle.
5. Lecture to church groups on differences between Beta and VHS.
4. Clean graffiti off back of Roger Ebert.
3. Hunt down and kill Judd Nelson.
2. Remind apathetic youth of rewards of getting involved in political conventions.
1. Keep eye open for Bat Signal while Batman naps.
Top 10 Reasons Dave Would Make a Good Father - August 3, 1989
10. My hairpiece makes a great crib toy.
9. House already loaded with Cocoa-Puffs and Tang.
8. Could praise fingerpainting because I'm used to lying to guests about how good they were.
7. Generous gifts to my old college guarantee kids get at least a third-rate education.
6. Kids and I could learn the facts of life together.
5. I'd know when to switch from Cycle 1 to Cycle 2.
4. We could do an Oldsmobile commercial together.
3. I'm loaded.
2. If scheduled babysitter doesn't show up, I could always book Marv Albert.
1. If Dick van Patten can do it, so can I. August 4, 1989 -- Missed it. Sorry!
Top 10 Demands of the Striking Telephone Workers - August 8, 1989
10. Sick of getting paid in quarters.
9. Make it illegal for people to answer the phone: "Yel-lo!"
8. Full protective clothing and breathing apparatus for guys who clean mouthpieces of New York City payphones.
7. Can refuse to repair phones shaped like cartoon cats.
6. Right to listen in on Rob Lowe's phone conversations.
5. Operators no longer have to make busy-signal sound with their mouths.
4. Power to send National Guard troops to level homes of people with funny answering machine messages.
3. Authorization to say, "Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of crud."
2. The right to call everyone "Larry" -- as in: "Thank you for using AT&T, Larry."
1. Stop all the damn ringing! Ringing! Ringing!
Top 10 Cartoons Shows in Iran - August 9, 1989
10. Ayatollah Turtle
9. Scooby Abu Nidal
8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel Dog
5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt!
4. Carlos the Jackal
3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
2. The Moose in the Burnoose
1. Really Looney Tunes
Top 10 Better Ways To Spend $166 Billion - August 10, 1989
10. Put aluminum siding on every house on the planet.
9. Buy Leona Helmsley breakfast.
8. Back-to-school clothes for all of Steve Garvey's kids.
7. Cab ride from JFK to Manhattan.
6. Marry Robin Givens.
5. Give it to Pete Rose. See if he can double it.
4. Hire Jack Nicholson to play Yosemite Sam on this show every night for a year.
3. Give fabulous gifts for the Late Night audience -- the best damn audience in the world.
2. Pay a real lot for your muffler.
1. Walk into every pet shop in the world and announce, "Hey everybody! The dogs are on me!"
Top 10 New York City Tourist Attractions - August 11, 1989 [This was another visual one]
10. The Sewer Rat Petting Zoo
9. The Health Inspector Evasion Drill
8. Leona Helmsley's Closet: A Look into the Future
7. Bailout! The Savings and Loan Musical
6. Sidewalk Siskel
5. The Hollywood Squares Minimum Security Prison
4. The King
3. The Desperately Lonely Man's Escort Service
2. The Ayatollah's U.S. Tour '89
1. Mike Tyson's Spit-Bucket Wishing Well
Top 10 Lessons from Woodstock - August 15, 1989
10. Not everyone looks good naked.
9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5. Never attend an event with a 50,000-to-1 person to Port-a-San ratio.
4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
2. I, Dave Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to future generations.
Top 10 Pet Peeves of the Ghost of Elvis - August 18, 1989
10. Never got a chance to try them Dove Bars.
9. Ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci never really thanked me for the Cadillac I gave him.
8. When people you never heard of claim you live in their toaster.
7. 7-Elevens in Netherworld don't carry Ring-Dings.
6. That pansy Casper.
5. Being a bodiless vaporous spirit makes it hard to hold a chili dog.
4. All those strangers walking through my house.
3. A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner thinks he's a "ghostbuster."
2. I wore capes before Batman made it hip.
1. Trying to get ouija board to spell out "double order of ribs to go."
Top 10 Reasons Cher Couldn't Make It on the Show - August 19, 1989
10. One of her tattoos is infected.
9. Blown transmission on the Chermobile.
8. Double date with Luis Polonia.
7. Today is her baking day.
6. For national security reasons, she and Buck Henry cannot be in the same place at the same time.
5. Slipping cheekbone implants causing her to look like playful squirrel.
4. Recent revelation that her perfume releases a gas that peels paint off cars.
3. Heard Paul Prudhomme was going to wear same outfit.
2. Her gene-splicing research is at a critical stage.
1. She's very, very shy.
Top 10 Columbian Tourist Slogans - September 5, 1989
10. You can't put a street value on fun.
9. Where the hits just keep on comin'!
8. Bored with Beirut?
7. Where every jungle clearing is an international airport.
6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting.
5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his "coffee" plantation.
4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong.
3. A one-ounce "souvenir" can pay for your entire vacation.
2. Tourists? We don't need no stinking tourists!
1. It's like Club Med with car bombs!
Top 10 Thoughts of New Yorkers - September 6, 1989 [another visual one]
10. Say, that old lady is holding her own against those three punks.
9. I hope that's from a dripping air conditioner.
8. If they only knew that I, Don Diego -- am Zorro!
7. This is the worst Hawaiian vacation I've ever been on.
6. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
5. Mrs. Lasorda... Mrs. Tommy Lasorda... Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Lasorda... Mrs. T. Lasorda... Tommy and me....
4. I'm going to sit on this bench until my legs are a deep mahogany.
3. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
2. Another hour and I break for lunch.
1. I wish I had a holster like the other kids.
Top 10 Signs that Jim Bakker Is Sane and Competent - September 7, 1989
10. No longer believes he's being stared at by Pez dispenser.
9. Thinks Rorschach inkblots look like Tammy Faye's makeup.
8. Conversations with God now limited to weather and sports.
7. Withdrew his Miss America entry form.
6. Declared he would never intentionally pay a lot for his muffler.
5. Voices in his head now play love songs -- nothing but love songs.
4. He's an excellent driver.
3. Now understands big scary invisible animals are as afraid of him as he is of them.
2. Has started interviewing church secretaries again.
1. He didn't wait two years for tickets to watch someone groom a poodle.
Top 10 Reasons Arnold Schwarzenegger Dropped Out as Miss America Judge - September 8, 1989
10. They wouldn't let him sing "Here She Comes, Miss America."
9. Thought he'd have to wear stupid black robe and powdered wig.
8. Just found out what those bastards did to Bert Parks.
7. Afraid TV Guide would put his head on Ann-Margret's body.
6. Conflict of interest when Miss Massachusetts turned out to be Rose Kennedy.
5. Learned swimsuit pose-off was open only to contestants -- not judges.
4. Heard they wouldn't validate parking.
3. Groin pull.
2. Got better offer to judge Star Search.
1. He's 'whipped.
Top 10 Reasons Hugh Hefner Will Make a Good Father - September 12, 1989
10. Can warm bottles of formula in the hot tub.
9. Could teach child math while explaining how his half-sister is older than his mother.
8. No greater authority figure than a Dad who hangs around all day in a bathrobe.
7. Jimmy Caan always available to babysit.
6. Can help them make college choice through a "Girls of the Big Ten" pictorial.
5. If the kid gets flu, there's plenty of penicillin on hand.
4. Could lull tot to sleep with nursery rhyme about "The Man from Nantucket."
3. Can teach youngster facts of life using nude photos of Mom.
2. Would make the swingingest Little League coach ever.
1. If he didn't care about America's young people, he wouldn't marry them.
Top 10 Ed Koch Excuses - September 13, 1989
10. Leona Helmsley endorsement less help than expected.
9. Shouldn't have boasted about having "the deepest pot holes in the whole wide world."
8. Graduates of city schools couldn't read name on ballot.
7. Failed to deliver on pledge to go underground and personally capture the big hairy guy from "Beauty & The Beast."
6. Should have listened when people answered "How'm I doin'?" by saying "You suck."
5. Mistake declaring crumbling bridges and tunnels "thrill rides."
4. Wasted money buying unseen ads during Letterman show.
3. Should have shook hands and kissed babies -- not vice versa.
2. Became laughing stock when Batman never answered signal outside City Hall.
1. Most Koch supporters lost right to vote when convicted.
Top 10 Reasons Exxon Is Leaving Alaska - September 14, 1989
10. Sometimes had to drive miles to find liquor store.
9. Planning big oil spill off California.
8. Going to start really big job of cleaning up Exxon station restrooms.
7. Somebody thought they saw Bigfoot.
6. Just got contract to take makeup off Tammy Faye Bakker.
5. Decided black gunk covering coastline and wildlife actually looks kind of cool.
4. Big party this weekend at Captain Hazelwood's.
3. Wanted to be there to give Zsa Zsa all the support she needs.
2. Time to face the fact that Batman isn't gonna answer Bat-signal.
1. Have to move on to screw up bigger and better things.
Top 10 Rules of the Miss America Pageant - September 15, 1989
10. Liposuction is permitted; but not as part of the talent competition.
9. Contestants must check out of judges' hotel rooms by 11:00 a.m.
8. Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends a night in the box.
7. The balk rule will be enforced.
6. Non-finalists standing in the background may smoke discreetly
5. Scholarship money may not be applied toward candy.
4. Contestants with private armies may not topple duly elected winner.
3. No Gabors.
2. For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least 80% of their bodies must be from their home state.
1. Contestants may use Vaseline on teeth; not on Gary Collins.
Top 10 Signs that Chef Boyardee Is Losing His Mind - September 19, 1989
10. Believes Spaghetti-O's can be used as birth control device.
9. Obsessed with idea of tomato-based cologne.
8. Recently got engaged to Robin Givens.
7. Test marketing "Pasta 'n' Thumbs."
6. At recent sales meeting, dropped pants and said, "Let's put the boy back in Boyardee!"
5. Paranoid delusion that wife is sleeping with Uncle Ben.
4. Every few minutes and for no apparent reason, yells "Bingo!" at the top of his lungs.
3. Believes he is Mrs. David Letterman.
2. Instead of traditional chef's "OK" sign, now just gives the finger.
1. Taken to splashing himself with spaghetti sauce and wandering around bus station chanting, "Lick me."
Top 10 Signs that Ronald Reagan is Recovering - September 20, 1989
10. He starting to forget things again.
9. Just signed to fight George Forman.
8. Last night, for first time since the operation, he sang along with the "Three's Company" theme.
7. Returned to post on Sunset and Vine selling maps to the stars' homes.
6. Puts up vigorous fight whenever Nancy just says no.
5. Called Iran to see if they need any weapons.
4. Can distinguish between what he saw in movie and what actually happened in Broadway musical.
3. No longer takes naked strolls pushing wheelbarrow. Now leaves wheelbarrow home.
2. Came out of anesthesia shouting, "Bush is president? We're doomed!"
1. Because Nancy says so.
Top 10 Complaints of Jane Pauley - September 21, 1989
10. Deborah Norville points to nameplate on door and asks "Will that come off easily?"
9. Network garage doesn't have discount rate for dirt bikes.
8. Replaced on news updates by cartoon goose.
7. Commissary's mandatory shirt and shoes rule.
6. Token-sucking not as easy as it looks.
5. 3:00 a.m. calls from liquored-up Linda Ellerbee begging her to try Maxell House coffee.
4. Barroom bouncers who say "I'll call you" -- but never do.
3. Having to drive Letterman to and from work.
2. Your name has to be "Bill Cosby" before NBC will kiss your butt.
1. Them screamin' brats of hers.
Top 10 Numbers Between One and Ten - September 22, 1989
10. Seven
9. Four
8. Ten
7. Three
6. Eight and a half
5. Nine
4. Two
3. One
2. Eight
1. Five & Six (tie)
Top 10 Mr. Wizard Experiments - October 3, 1989
10. Let's flush a canned ham down the toilet.
9. Will your head fit here?
8. Taking a core sample of Tammy Faye Bakker's mascara.
7. Getting free HBO.
6. How many beers before you make a pass at Bea Arthur?
5. How much Crisco can you eat?
4. Substitution of Folgers Crystals for freshly brewed coffee.
3. Dressing like Mrs. Wizard.
2. A potato in your pocket: the moist, dark world of growth.
1. Those two flight attendants in Dallas.
Top 10 Panamanian Coup Excuses - October 5, 1989
10. Newspaper printed wrong starting time for coup.
9. Thought we were just staging another "battle" for CBS news.
8. All those Spanish street names -- it's easy to get lost!
7. Missed second part of two-part "Mission Impossible" episode coup was based on.
6. Bernie Goetz never showed.
5. Right in mid-coup, we got word of the Zsa Zsa verdict.
4. Saw pineapple in kitchen and thought Noriega had already been decapitated.
3. Forgot to get express written consent of Major League Baseball.
2. Batman never answered the signal.
1. It turns out Noriega is a pretty OK Joe once you get to know him.
Top 10 Ways the Dalai Lama Will Spend His Nobel Prize Money - October 6, 1989
10. Get saxophone out of hock.
9. No more "budget" English muffins.
8. Give Cadillacs to Sonny and Red.
7. New kitchen cabinets for Mrs. Lama.
6. Give it to Pete Rose; see if he can double it.
5. Bail out Merv Griffin.
4. Put finishing touches on Lamaland amusement park.
3. Kegger!
2. Hush money to former temple secretary.
1. One seriously large order of McDonald's french fries.
Top 10 Recent News Stories from TASS - October 10, 1989
10. Spot on Gorby's head looks like Elvis.
9. Yogurt-eating grandpa is sex king of the Balkans.
8. New secret weapon installed inside Bush's middle finger.
7. Way you cook your cabbage reveals your personality.
6. Khrushchev alive and well and doing the weather on NBC's "Today Show."
5. TV's Roseanne: American lady in a Soviet body.
4. 90-foot zucchini wins blue ribbon at Chernobyl Fair.
3. Jackie Mason out of Yeltsin campaign.
2. Voice from Lenin's tomb says, "I had Cher!"
1. Vodka sales triple; so do UFO sightings.
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of Disney World - October 11, 1989
10. Driving down Main Street USA with Bambi's mother strapped to your fender.
9. Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat.
8. Boarding the monorail and announcing you're Bernie Goetz.
7. Taunting guy in Pluto costume for not being able to get better job.
6. Declaring loudly, "I do believe in Tinkerbell!" in mens room.
5. Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-wacker.
4. After biting into snack bar sandwich saying, "I taste mouse."
3. Taking a leak in the Enchanted Forest.
2. Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear.
1. Bringing your own mouse suit.
Top 10 East German Government Explanations for the Mass Defections - October 13, 1989
10. Moved everyone out for a few days so we could paint the place.
9. We wanted to lighten load of our overworked census takers.
8. Tempted by all those letters from Ed McMahon.
7. They're just going to refill steroid prescriptions.
6. Wanted to scare the French.
5. We couldn't get the Chinese tanks here in time.
4. Auditions for open slot on the "Today Show."
3. They heard there was plenty of room at Letterman's place.
2. They're going to Disney World!
1. Who are we kidding? Communism sucks!
Top 10 Least Popular Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors - October 18, 1989
10. Oprah Mocha
9. Raspberry Rash
8. Norieggnog
7. Cholesterol Chip
6. Zsa Zsa Gaboreo
5. Tiny Filaments O'Tungsten
4. Uninhibited by Cher
3. Stuff-Found-in-Ben-&-Jerry's-Pockets
2. Bus Depot Fudge
1. Hitler Ripple
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Letterman Family Reunion - October 19, 1989
10. "Hey Dave, who drove you here?"
9. "Is this where the line forms to tell Dave your sob story?"
8. "OK. Carnival people on the left side of the table. Circus people on the right."
7. "Gee. Paul Shaffer albums for everybody. Thanks a lot."
6. "What's it like working with Kathie Lee?"
5. "I heard Donahue gave his whole family Buicks."
4. "That's the best stripper we ever had!"
3. "Cher was right."
2. "Hey! One person in the Port-O-San at a time!"
1. "Where's Dave?"
Top 10 Questions and Comments of the New York City Health Inspectors - October 20, 1989
10. Does your chef even own a shirt?
9. Such teeming vermin! The food must be excellent!
8. How can I be sure these bills are unmarked?
7. Are you the guys switching Folgers Crystals for regular coffee?
6. I can tell over the phone your place is spotless, Mr. Gotti.
5. If it's caviar, what's it doing in the cat box?
4. How do I say "cash gift" in Korean?
3. Where was the last place you remember seeing your thumb?
2. Oh yeah? Why don't you eat it?
1. Could you put a hairnet on the weasel?
Top 10 Chapter Titles in Nancy Reagan's Book - October 27, 1989
10. Destiny's Detour: My Brief Engagement to Soupy Sales
9. The "Hee-Haw" Years
8. My Son, the Ballerina Sissy-Boy
7. That Hinckley Person Spoils a Day of Shopping
6. A Scary Moment: Ron Thinks He's Invented the Baloney Sandwich